TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
