It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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