it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
