Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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