just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just blew my weed a kiss
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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