I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
