It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
