Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
