need another drink. this is the easiest way
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
