We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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