I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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