Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
