how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
