I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
