I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
