I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
