I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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