I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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