i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
