I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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