I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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