woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My breasts were aching with rage.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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