guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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