Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
