Betty ford says i'm here all night
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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