wakey wakey hands off snakey
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
