6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
