Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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