I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
