Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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