seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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