peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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