people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
