Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
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That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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