I like my sex mixed with concussions.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
