got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this just has baby written all over it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
