Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
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Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
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Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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