I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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