I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
