He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
