My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
