I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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