Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
