While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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