dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
