ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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