Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
