Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
