You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
