That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
