I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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