I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
