Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
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