If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
