She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
