he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
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he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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