I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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