Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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