So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
