Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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